In a previous post we told you about the real Max Factor, the chemist behind the famous cosmetic brand. Here’s a picture of him with one of his less successful cosmetic creations, the “Beauty Micrometer.”
Somehow I don’t think this will make our list of beauty gadgets that really work.
Is it just me, or does woman look like that creepy Hellraiser character?
Thanks to the gals at Ask The Blondes for tipping us off to this one.
What’s the most painful or uncomfortable thing you’ve done in the name of beauty? Leave a comment and share your story with the Beauty Brains community.
Can someone please explain this product to me?
Lusidina 18K Gold Nurse Whitener Nose Mask.
It’s new from Guangzhou Danjia Cosmetics in China and it claims to “penetrate into skin around the nose area removing dirt, grease, blackheads and ageing skin.” It also provides whitening nourishment” whatever that is.
It’s made with the finest Yulan oil, pure fresh milk, vitamin E, vegetable protein, collagen, arbutin and dangerously high levels of lead. (Ok, I made up the part about lead but the rest is true). Normally I’d stop here to comment on the obvious ridiculousness of the ingredients but right now I’m having trouble even getting past the name: Lusidina 18K Gold Nurse Whitener Nose Mask.
Nose mask?
Ok, I get that part. I can even sort of grasp the concept of a whitening nose mask. Heck, who wouldn’t want a whiter nose!
18K Gold?
This is a mystery to me. The product doesn’t contain gold. It’s not like gold has a long historical association with nasal care. Gold doesn’t even smell good! And for God’s sake, why not use 24K gold?
Nurse?
Now you’ve really lost me. WHY is the spokesmodel for this product a nurse? By virtue of their occupation are nurses more prone to unsightly nose darkening? And why are her breasts trying to escape from her uniform?
Lusidina?
Is that the nurse’s name?
We may never know all the answers to these hard hitting questions, but I can tell you this for sure: If I’m ever in the hospital and I see a large-breasted nurse with a hyper-pigmented nose and a flair for expensive jewelry, I know what product I’d recommend for her. Is it Meladerm? Hylexin? Meladerm? No. It’s Lusidina 18K Gold Nurse Whitener Nose Mask!
The Beauty Brains continue to be amused by so-called anti-cellulite products like Murad, and Anushka. A few weeks ago we blogged about France’s Garnier`s Flat Stomach Roll On and today we present an entry from China: the Setoff Chili Oil Stomach Mask.
The Stomach Mask is marketed in China by the Yousong Refinement Chemical Company and costs about $10 US. As the name implies, it’s made with chili oil extract and it claims to penetrate deep under skin to eliminate orange peel (another name for cellulite), burn fat, and promote metabolism. Ah, if only this were true… But as we previously pointed out, anti-cellulite products don’t really do much.
Fortunately, the label is entertaining. Let’s take a closer look, shall we? First, across the bottom of the package we see it`s billed as a Natural Roughage Formula. While this sort of makes sense if you`re on a high fiber, colon cleansing diet, I`m not sure what that means in terms of a fat burning stomach mask. Come to think of it, I don`t even know what a stomach mask is!
Then there ae the packaging graphics: the image of the noble Tiger butterfly flying low across the Pink Bubble Ocean before swooping majestically toward the magical land of Dripping Green Ooze. Clearly this is meant to symbolize the never ending struggle of free-spirited beauty against the relentless pull of societal norms. Then again, it could just be a butterfly.
Finally, there is the obligatory Naked Torso, inexpicably caught in the sites of some sort of Chili Pepper Assault Rifle. It’s really quite haunting when you stop to examine it.
Needless to say, don`t waste your money on products like this. They are fun to make fun of, but they have no basis in science.
If you enjoy bizarre and often hilarious beauty ads from the 50s, 60s, and 70s, go check out out Lulu’s Vintage (A Retro Retreat for the Fashion Elite.)
You’ll laugh so hard you’ll pee.
Almost everyone’s familar with the Clairol Herbal Essences‘ TV commercials which feature women washing their hair, moaning in pleasure, enjoying what’s described as a “totally organic experience.” This ad campaign was a great success for the brand even though its sexual overtones made it quite controversial.
But we here at The Beauty Brains note that originally Herbal Essences wasn’t controversial at all; it was just an herbal shampoo brand when it started out back in the early 70s. Here’s what it looked like:
At first glance this appears to be a simple ad, designed to sell shampoo to flower-loving, Earth spirit, hippie types. No harm in that, right? Certainly no titilating pseudo-sexual message hidden here right? Wrong! Let’s take a closer look at the advertising copy:
Phrases like “you’ll think you’re handling flower petals,” “combination of earthly pleasures” and feeling “texture like the inside of a rose petal” sound less like a shampoo ad and more like lines from a Harlequin romance novel. And given the mind-expanding drug culture that helped define the 1970s, the reference to “mysterious green herbs” sounds HIGHLY suspicious. (Pun intended.)
So, 30 years before they brought the “Big O” to our TV screens, Herbal Essences was already out there hawking shampoo to Hippies with the lure of onanism and illicit drugs. And you thought shampoo only cleaned your hair!
Strappy Bra Top, Garter Belt Skirtini Skirt, G-string Panty Set
From: Flirty Lingerie
Actual Ads
Here’s a Beauty Brains feature we haven’t done in a while: We find actual ads for beauty care products and post them for your amusement. Today’s ad is for Mary Quant Cosmetics, a line of products from the ’70s that we presume is now defunct. (You just don’t see much Quant these days.) Anyway, this particular ad is apparently a reference to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
In Quant’s version, however, there’s no snake in the garden. Just an obscene amount of mascara, eyeliner, blush, lipstick, and nail polish. And that’s just what Adam is wearing! We’re not sure how turning the “original man” into a tacky cross-dresser with bad fashion sense would make us want to buy Mary Quant’s products, but hey, it was the ’70s. Just make sure your nail polish matches your fruit and you’re good to go.
Here’s an exciting new product - Frederic Fekkai’s Wash & Wear spray shampoo. You can simply spray this in your hair to 
keep it clean in between shampoos.
“What an novel, breakthough idea!” you must be saying to yourself.
“Why has no one else in the history of hair care EVER thought of a spray on shampoo that doesn’t have to be rinsed off?” you’re probably pondering as you read this.
“Only the advanced science of the new millenium could have possibly created a spray on product to keep your hair clean between shampoos,” you’re thinking.
Is that what you’re thinking?
If it is, you’re WRONG!
It’s time you learned that, with the possible exception of the Internet, everything that’s worth inventing was created in the 70’s.
Case in point, check out this ad from the Beauty Brains ad vault for Psssst! Shampoo. Possibly the only cosmetic product ever to include a punction mark in it’s name.
Psssst! is also famous for being the first spray on, no rinse shampoo. It was essentially a powder that you sprayed in your hair to absorb oil, then you brushed it out. It didn’t work very well and it was kind of messy, but it did prevent hundreds of thousands of women from wearing a bag over their head between shampoos.
So in your FACE , Frederic Fekkai!
<—–Click image to enlarge
Look at these 1970’s perfume ads.
The first is for “Moon Drops: Not imported From Anywhere. It’s simply out of this world.”
The second is for “Norell: The First Great Perfume Born in America.”
Do you notice anything that they have in common? (Besides their sheer 70’s-ishness, that is.)
Apparently the advertising for both these products was designed to combat the “Only foreign nations like France can make great perfume” misconception that ruled the fragrance industry until the late 1970s.
Certainly this notion seems out of date today when one considers how many American “born” fragrances dominate the sales charts.
But isn’t a little bit odd how these anti-foreign fragrance ads from 30 years ago predict the anti-immigration debate in the U.S. that’s raging through today’s headlines?
Are these ads a fragrant foreshadowing of things to come almost 40 years later??
Could they prove to be perfumed prognostications of future world events???
Nawww, not really. The Right Beauty Brain just thought they’d make a cool post.
Here is another in our Beauty Brains series on actual cosmetic ads from the past.
We love this ad because of the irony of advertising a hair care product using a model who’s wearing a freakishly huge hat.
The product is meant to make your hair color more beautiful. Why are you covering it up?!?!
“Yes,” she says in a breathy, provocative tone, “I love this hair color so MUCH that I just have to hide it demurely under this ridiculously oversized hat!”
What’s next? A nail polish ad featuring glove-covered hands?
In case you’re interested…
copyright 1974 Clairol Incorporated
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